Αυτο-συμπονια & αυτο-λυπηση. Δυο διαφορετικα ειδη σχέσης του εαυτου

Aυτο-συμπόνια και αυτο-λύπηση: Δύο διαφορετικά είδη σχέσης εαυτού

Στο άκουσμα της λέξης συμπόνια το μυαλό μας πάει στην ένδειξη συμπαράστασης στον συνάνθρωπο που περνάει μια κρίση. Τελευταία έχει αναδειχθεί μέσα από σχετικές μελέτες (Νeff, 2003; Gerber et al., 2015) η έννοια και η σημασία της συμπόνιας που στρέφεται προς τον εαυτό μας.

Η αυτο-συμπόνια (self-compassion) μπορεί να παίξει σημαντικό ρόλο στον τρόπο που βιώνουμε και αντιμετωπίζουμε τις καταστάσεις της ζωής οι οποίες μας φέρνουν αντιμέτωπους με τους εσωτερικούς μας δαίμονες.


Σύμφωνα με τη Neff (2003), η οποία μελέτησε την έννοια της αυτο-συμπόνιας, η στάση αυτή διακρίνεται από τα εξής τρία γνωρίσματα: από την καλοσύνη προς τον εαυτό, που υπερισχύει της τάσης μας για αυτο-κριτική τις στιγμές που περνάμε μια κρίση, της κοινής ανθρώπινης εμπειρίας, δηλαδή της θέασης των δυσκολιών μας ως μέρος της κοινής εμπειρίας όλων των ανθρώπων, και της ενσυνειδητότητας (mindfulness), δηλαδή της ικανότητάς μας να ισορροπούμε τις σκέψεις και τα συναισθήματά μας χωρίς να ταυτιζόμαστε υπερβολικά με αυτά.
Η αυτο-συμπόνια δεν έχει ως στόχο την αποφυγή των δυσάρεστων καταστάσεων αλλά αντιθέτως την ενσυνείδητη βίωσή τους. Για να γίνει αυτό προϋποθέτει την αναγνώριση και αποδοχή των αδυναμιών μας και την συνειδητοποίηση οτι πρόκειται για κοινά ανθρώπινα γνωρίσματα. Κάνοντάς το θα νιώσουμε λιγότερο μόνοι στην κρίση που βιώνουμε και θα βρούμε έναν ισχυρό σύμμαχο στην προσπάθειά μας να την ξεπεράσουμε, που δεν είναι άλλος από τον εαυτό μας.


Επιπλέον, ο έλεγχος της τάσης μας για σκληρή αυτοκριτική, εκτός από τη συναισθηματική ισορροπία έχει σχετιστεί θετικά και με την ικανότητα να προσεγγίζουμε τους συνανθρώπους μας και να συνάπτουμε υγιείς σχέσεις μαζί τους. Η αποδοχή των άλλων χωρίς να τους κρίνουμε γι’αυτό που είναι καθώς και η μείωση της τάσης μας να συγκρινόμαστε μαζί τους έρχονται ως φυσική συνέπεια του υγιούς τρόπου συσχέτισης με τον εαυτό μας. Αυτό γίνεται αντιληπτό από τους άλλους οι οποίοι αισθάνονται ελεύθεροι να εκφραστούν χωρίς φόβο οτι θα τους κατακρίνουμε ή ότι θα τους ασκήσουμε έλεγχο (Gerber et al., 2015).

Από την άλλη πλευρά η αυτο-λύπηση (self-pity), σε αντίθεση με την αυτο-συμπόνια, αναφέρεται σε μια δυσλειτουργική στάση απέναντι στις δυσκολίες μας. Αυτοί που πέφτουν στην παγίδα της αυτο-λύπησης έχουν την τάση να ταυτίζονται υπερβολικά με τα αρνητικά συναισθήματα που τους κατακλύζουν. Συγχρόνως δεν είναι δεκτικοί στις προσπάθειες των άλλων να τους βοηθήσουν και αποζητούν παρηγοριά με τη μορφή της επικύρωσης του αδιεξόδου που βιώνουνε.
Αυτό έχει ως αποτέλεσμα οι ανθρώποι που τους περιβάλλουν να αισθάνονται συχνά ματαίωση όταν προσπαθούν να τους βοηθήσουν με συνέπεια τη σταδιακή απομάκρυνσή τους. Η απομόνωση στην οποία καταλήγουν τελικά επικυρώνει την πεποίθησή τους οτι δεν μπορεί να τους βοηθήσει κανείς κι έτσι αποτραβιούνται ακόμα περισσότερο διαιωνίζοντας το αίσθημα της ανεπάρκειάς τους.


Ένα ακόμα χαρατκτηριστικό των ατόμων που καταφεύγουν στην αυτο-λύπηση είναι η πεποίθησή τους πως οτιδήποτε κι αν κάνουν δεν πρόκειται να επηρεάσει τη δυσχερή συνθήκη που βιώνουν. Αισθάνονται οτι χάνουν τον έλεγχο της ζωής τους και οτι εξαρτώνται πλήρως από εξωγενείς παράγοντες, όπως η τύχη ή οι αποφάσεις των άλλων. Η πεποίθηση αυτή τους καθηλώνει σε ενα φαύλο κύκλο σκέψεων και συμπεριφοράς που ανατροφοδοτεί την ανάγκη τους για αυτο-λύπηση (Stöber, 2003).


Εν κατακλείδι, η αυτο-συμπόνια αντανακλά τον υγιή τρόπο συσχέτισης με τον εαυτό μας αντίθετα με την αυτο-λύπηση η οποία είναι απόρροια του δυσλειτουργικού σχεσιακού μας μοτίβου και μας καθηλώνει. Είναι σημαντικό, λοιπόν, να μάθουμε να διακρίνουμε ανάμεσα στις δύο αυτές στάσεις που μπορεί και να εναλλάσονται ανάλογα με τα εκάστοτε προβλήματα. Η αυτεπίγνωση που θα αποκομίσουμε θα μας βοηθήσει να σχετιστούμε με τον εαυτό μας σε μια νέα βάση με περισσότερη συμπόνια και λιγότερη επίκριση.

Αναστάσιος Λομβαρδέας

Ψυχολόγος

Pic: gozen.com


ΒΙΒΛΙΟΓΡΑΦΙΚΕΣ ΑΝΑΦΟΡΕΣ:
Gerber, Z., Tolmacz, R. & Doron, Y. (2015). Self-compassion and forms of concern for others, Personality and Individual Differences, 86, 394-400.
Neff, K. (2003). Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself, Self and Identity, 2, 85-101.
Stöber, J. (2003). Self-Pity: Exploring the Links to Personality,
Control Beliefs, and Anger, Journal of Personality

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